Life is like a firework

There are so many things in life that can make me happy for a second, and the seconds left it turns nothing…

Just like a firework…

Glow for a second, make me stare, amaze and somewhat feel so happy…
But when they’re gone, they leave me with an empty and dark sky above…

Just can’t find the good in goodbye

When we broke up or watching our friends break up with their couple. It would be easy for us to say: “just let it go…” “life must go on” “there are ton of fish in the water!” And another similiar sound…

But it would be hard to say something encouraging when your parents got divorce….
Even if you have grown up enough to understand the reasons. Still, it will be more painfull to face two persons who we love were separated…

Same situation when we lost our beloved ones for the rest of our life… there’s no right word gonna stop the bleeding….

In that both of situations, I just can’t seem to find the good in goodbye….
Nothing but the fact that I’m push my self trying to understand.
Trying so hard to not complaining, accepting the destiny for something they call “maturity”

No matter what, they say everything always happen for a reason….
And all I can do now is to figure it out….

Loving you in my daydream

Well, sometimes loving someone in secrecy is so damn good…
I’m not trying to betray anyone. But, you know… sometimes fall in love can make us feel better… so much better indeed.

Sometimes your heart need to beat a bit faster,
you need to feel more alive by chasing hope,
you need to be a little restless just by hear his/her name,
you even enjoy the time when you do the silly and stupid thing.
you may have no reason why your mood is changing so fast,
and you can’t explain why do you smile so wide to the empty air when you’re remembering his/her face…..

Falling love in secrecy is as good as heaven…
Instead of thinking how to deal with the reality that you’re maybe not good enough for him/her. To realize that this is just a secret and finally ends up as an old story …

But anyway, We all have a story of adolescence and all it’s glory…
If it’s just started with a feeling, let it’s ends by feeling as well…
Nothing to lose, at least we have some memory which could remind us someday:

That we ever feel so much alive, by secretly in love with someone…. ^_^

My December Boy…

Hujan, udara lembab, tanah basah, titik air di dedaunan, dan perasaan melankolis yang sulit untuk diungkapkan…
Itulah kesan yang hadir saat bulan desember tiba….

Entah kenapa, Bulan Desember selalu terasa istimewa bagiku…
Saat hujan turun di bulan Desember, tiap tetesnya seperti menceritakan kembali kenangan-kenangan yang dulu pernah ada…
Kenangan tentang perasaan bahagia dan cinta yang sederhana…
namun selalu terasa istimewa…

Bulan Desember juga selalu mengingatkanku pada seseorang…

= 3 Desember 2004 =
Hari Ulang tahunku yang ke-15…
Seorang anak laki-laki menghampiriku dengan sebuah bingkisan di pagi hari yang lembab karena hujan…

Dengan malu-malu ia datang, menghampiriku yang hanya mematung di depan pintu. Terkejut karena kehadirannya….
“Selamat Ulang Tahun”.
Dan dia pun tersenyum kemudian berlalu…

Sederhana… namun membuatku merasa begitu istimewa….

= 3 Desember 2005 =
Anak laki-laki itu kembali mengejutkanku…
Pukul 01.00 dini hari, ia datang diam-diam dengan sebuah bingkisan…
Hanya untuk menjadi orang pertama yang memberikan ucapan “Selamat Ulang Tahun” ….

Kali ini mungkin tidak sesederhana sebelumnya, tapi Ia berhasil membuatku merasa lebih istimewa dari sebelumnya….

= 3 Desember 2006 =
Dia pasti akan datang tjam 00.00 dini hari, lebih awal dari tahun sebelumnya, jika aku tidak melarangnya…

Anak laki-laki itu masih sama seperti dulu, selalu ingin membuatku merasa istimewa di hari Ulang Tahunku.
Ia datang cukup pagi. Lagi-lagi dengan bingkisan dan Ucapan “Selamat Ulang Tahun”.
Kali ini sedikit diwarnai oleh air mata karena keegoisanku…
tapi tetap saja, berakhir bahagia….

= 03 Desember 2007 =
Kali ini tidak ada ucapan “Selamat Ulang Tahun” langsung darinya…
Hanya secarik surat dan bingkisan yang ia titipkan pada Ibunya untukku…
Karena Anak laki-laki itu sedang berusaha mengejar mimpi-mimpinya….

.
.
.
Dan di bulan Desember yang sama…
Dia pergi meninggalkanku,…

meninggalkan rongga di hati yang hingga kini berusaha untuk ku tutupi…
meninggalkan kegetiran yang hingga kini masih terasa…
meninggalkan mimpi-mimpi dan harapan yang tak akan terwujud…

meninggalkanku bersama kenangan yang tak pernah pupus…
meninggalkanku dengan semua penyesalan dan berjuta tanya…
meninggalkanku dengan semua rasa bahagia yang kini terlihat seperti mimpi…
meninggalkanku,…
yang tidak lagi merasa istimewa seperti dulu……….

Everything has completely changed…
That boy has turn into someone else…
Someone whom I never recognize until now…

Someone who ever make me feel so special, and feel so dump in the end…

………

Now only a short “Happy Birthday” that he always send to me on my 3rd December…
There’s no surprised, no flawless moment, no great feeling that I ever felt.
And I still not feel like I’m special anymore…

Only those memories that will last forever…
Remind me that I ever be so special for someone…

And This is how I remind you…
“My December Boy”

Lalalalalaa……

Kayaknya enak ya kalo punya secret admirer….
Well, I guess I miss my teenage moment.

*racauan sebelum tidur.

G’night universe, let’s create some cosmically pleasures in my life…..

The Script

Akhir-akhir ini lagi suka sama lagu2 nya the script…
Liriknya ngingetin tentang jaman2 galau dulu…. (padahal sampe sekarang masih)
Kebanyakan lagunya yang bagus tu justru lagu-lagu yang bikin galau.
Kalau dengerin Breakeven, nothing, the man who can’t be moved on rasanya liriknya ‘pas’ banget sama kenangan masa2 lalu…

yeah, apalagi klo bukan kenangan patah hati…
klo waktu kejadian itu aku udah tau lagu ini mungkin aq udah nangis2 sambil keramas tiap kali dengernya.
Coz liriknya emang bikin hati berdarah-darah….. hahhahahaa….

well, This is one of my favorite song’s tittle: “Nothing”

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I’m better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I’m smiling but I’m dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I’m never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I’m crazy but to me it’s perfect sense

[chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
‘Cause I’m shouting your name all over the town
I’m swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I’m drunk but I’ll say the words
And she’ll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I’m still in love but all I heard
Was nothing…..

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she’ll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I’m hurting, she’ll take me back for sure

Ohh, sometimes love’s intoxicating
Ohh, you’re coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there’s no one waiting

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I’m better off now
Than I ever was with her

[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
‘Cause I’m shouting your name all over the town
I’m swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I’m drunk but I’ll say the words
And she’ll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I’m still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

It’s Not Easy To Be Me…

Dear God,…
Thanks you’ve blessed this amazing life to me.
But still, I always feel quite good for no one…

I don’t have much friends that accept me just the way I am…
But I don’t want to be somebody else but my self…
Although I know, there’s a lot of something inside me that they can not understand…

Mungkin aku yang tidak terbiasa hidup dalam lingkungan yang penuh dengan kasih sayang. Ya, masa laluku memang sulit….
Begitu sulitnya mendapatkan perhatian dan kasih sayang hingga saat ini akupun sulit memberikan kedua hal itu pada sesama….

Dear God,
I don’t wanna be like this….
I wanna be a nice person for everyone…

For once in a lifetime, I want to be a nice guy for everyone….
I want to be a good person for everyone….
I want to live happily with nothing to be worry….
I want to smile everyday, and thankful for every single breath that I have….

Kapan terakhir kali kamu merasa sangat bahagia?

Jika pertanyaan itu dilontarkan kembali untukku. aku mungkin akan bilang: aku lupa…
entah kenapa, rasanya sudah banyak kebahagiaan2 yang berusaha untuk aku redam agar tidak terlalu berlebihan.
ya, bisa dibilang aku takut ‘terlalu bahagia’.

jika mengutip kata2 di sebuah film: “Bahagia itu candu. Sekali kamu ngerasa bahagia, kamu pasti pengen terus bahagia. Padahal kamu nggak bisa terus2an ngerasa bahagia seumur hidup kamu”.

Begitu juga dengan cinta.
Hingga detik inipun aku masih terus berusaha ‘sebisa mungkin’ untuk meredam rasa cinta pada orang lain.
It’s sounds like a looser. yeah but this is me….

rasa bahagia dan cinta yang hebat, mungkin saat ini semua itu hanya ada dalam kenangan.
dan dalam kenangan itu juga, terlihat jelas bagaiman perasaan2 bahagia dan cinta di masa lalu itu perlahan berubah menjadi rasa sakit yang berlebih pula…..

Tapi aku nggak mau menutup pintu kebahagiaanku terlalu rapat.
Karena suatu saat nanti, mungkin aku bisa merasakan hebatnya cinta seperti dulu lagi, dan mungkin aku bisa merasa sangat bahagia seperti dulu lagi… tanpa pernah takut untuk tersakiti.

Still Breathtaking….

Once upon a time….
There’s someone that I’ve never known him before.
But by looked at his eyes, I felt something’s glow deep in his soul…
and I had a thought in my mind that may be someday, he’ll be a great person in the future….

I kept admiring on him secrecy. I never let him know about my feeling.
Not only because I’m Too scared to say but I also realize that I’m so not proper for him… yeah, poor me…

The days gone, years passes by….
I never met him again.
But I was surprised and so much excited coz I know that he recognize me when I tried to talk with him on facebook chat…. *LOL
At that time, he’s so much brighter than before.
He has reach so much thing that I ever imagine he could be….

and latter….
I see him again.
and after all this time, I still feel the same feeling like the first time I see him….
“So Breathtaking”.
He’s glowing brighter and more brighter….
*and that’s make me more realize than ever that I’m so far away match with him. hahaa……..

He’s shinning…. like always,
and I’m still lost in the dark…..

My chemical Romance

Terkadang ada hal2 yang lebih indah untuk sekedar diingat.
tapi tidak untuk dijalani (lagi)…

baru aja tadi, untuk beberapa waktu, aq mncoba mnghidupkan masa lalu…
tapi lagi2… dan untuk kesekian kalinya, kenyataan menamparku.
yeah, i know.. i never learn quite good.
i always fall to the same hole.
but at least, i’ll make it sure that i’d never make it deeper…
aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgghhh…………. d*mn!

so… i guess, there’s no “what if”.
sesuatu yang aq rasa “unfinished yet”. ternyata memang benar2 sudah “finish”.
this is the answer! but why I’m the only one who can not see something that obviously seen???! such a FOOL me!!

well, sepertinya bener apa yg aq anggap slama ini,
sesuatu yg bisa bikin kamu sangat bahagia, bisa menjadi sesuatu yg bikin kamu sangat kecewa…..

oh well, i should more thankful for everything that i have now…

……

finally, i just wanna say: “I never ever love you again, like I (ever-fooly) did yesterday!”